Mary-Beth Alexey Jones

[( shannon )]

Just a few things before acceptance:
This application has a lot of potential. but it comes up just a little short (especially when it comes to length).

1) The sample rp was only about 200 words. Before continuing, I would like to warn you that all posts on Central must be a minimum of 400 words. So I will need to see a longer role play sample.
2) All the sections need to be a little longer (especially the personality). You have the basics down, but it just seems a little flat. Everything is described nicely, but add a little bit more life to it! Bring your character straight into the application through quirkiness in sentences or just little bits and pieces here and there.
3) I would definitely just take the time to re-read through your application. There are some misspellings like "think" instead of "thank" and a few sentences that need to be restructured. All in all, it was an alright application, but I would love to see it once improvements have been made (:

[( shannon )]

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to reject this. You did mostly everything that was asked, but the main problem was that the application just fell flat. It feels a bit more like a school essay than a story. Most of the sentences, especially in the Sample Rp started with "she". There isn't enough emotion in the writing. They are more like statements. For example, this:

She walked in the gym, glancing around she saw a cute guy and smiled to herself. She walked over to the bike and got on, glancing at the guy again. As she started working out, she thought about school and her next class.

Would be better if it sounded more like this:

Cami walked into the gym. She glanced around for a moment and noticed a cute guy. Immediately, she brushed her hair out of her face, hoping that she looked presentable. If she was lucky, maybe he would even acknowledge her. Or maybe she would just have to get ambitious and make a move herself. She jumped on the first machine she saw: a bike. As she started to pedal, thoughts about school and her next class started to fill her mind. Yet in the back of her brain, she was still distracted by the boy she had seen near the treadmills.

Notice how in the rewrite there is more emotion. Now we know that Cami is ambitious and brave considering she would possibly make a move herself. We also now know that she can be easily distracted by cute boys. Insight to the character through the writing is crucial, and ultimately, what roleplaying is all about. You need to bring the character to life! I am really sorry. You have the basics down, but in the end, I was really looking for liveliness and a good play with words. It just fell a tad short.